Sunday, Jul. 08, 2007 - 5:40 p.m.Fin
Today is a day to fast. To make up for yesterday, and also to work on self control. Because it has come to a realization - kaitlyn cannot go on like this. she will die, because she simply cannot live this way. she misses her friends, the ones she had. Because they were friends, and the greatest possible. One way or another, kaitlyn, spunkie that was, will die. There is no way around this. it/i am aware of this. But there is another. There is Andy. All that kaitlyn ever hoped or tried to be. If kaitlyn must die, then perhaps Andy could take her place. But for Andy to truly be born, all that is kaitlyn must die.
There are some things that will make the transition easier. For example, with no more "friends", there is no longer anyone to hold it/i back. The past is dead. it/i now has a clear path to becoming Pure.
Pure people are the ones who do not pollute their bodies with unnecessary food. They are kind, good, and have self-control. They strike out at others only when the others strike at them first; they do not hurt unnecessarily, and when they must strike back to defend themselves they strike with no more force (be it verbal or physical) than is necessary. They are good. They are truly pure. To shove extra food into my/its body is to make it unpure. That is bad. Pure is good. It WILL become pure.
To become Pure is not to aim to be anorexic. it/i will do what it/i did before - restrict, fast, and also, this time, exercise. This will take away the unnecessary, unpure, extra weight. If it/i becomes anorexic in the process, than so much the better. But that is a nice side effect, not the main goal. Therefore, because it/i is no longer actively aiming for anorexia, but rather purity and to become a real person, it is ok for it to ask its parents to show it exercises. After all, a real person can exercise without fear, and a Pure person enjoys it. Anorexics are Pure. It is possible to be Pure without being ana though. Purity is what it will aim for. Perfection. To be Pure is Perfection. it/i am going on a month-long Dunkins fast; nothing from them for a month. In doing so, the connection between kaitlyn and chais will be eliminated. And so kaitlyn will die, and Andy will be born from her ashes. If Andy also likes Dunkins, then fine. He can have some at the end of the month. But kaitlyn SHALL die. Even if kaitlyn fought, it would be a losing battle, as the main things she used to define herself are gone. The people who were her friends? Gone. And really, they were her life. The forum, the one place she truly felt she belonged? Gone. Her gf? Gone. Even the Nettie she once knew is gone forever. The others are still alive (Tammy hasn't showed up in the obits on the two sites it's/i'm checking, so until then it/i assumes she's alive and well). So only chai and fear of exercise, really. And it will end the chai for a month - the next time it drinks that, or anything else from Dunkins, it will be as Andy. And it will learn to exercise, and it will lose weight, so perhaps the outside will finally match the inside.
And with the change of person, there must be a change of diary. This place has served me well, for about 5 years, give or take a few months. But becoming a new person means to sever ties with the past. Hey, if Nettie can do it, so can i. None of this will be deleted, but if it/i continue writing in it, that is too close a tie to the past, and to kaitlyn. The new diary is now at http://bostonsandy.diaryland.com/